Embracing Mindful Relationships and Joyful Aging with Dr. Carla Marie Manly | anew insight Ep. 37

Welcome to "ANEW Body Insight," your premier destination for transforming your journey to optimal health. Hosted by the insightful Dr. Supatra Tovar—clinical psychologist, registered dietitian, and acclaimed fitness expert. Each episode aims to empower and inspire. Dive into our 38th episode featuring Dr. Carla Marie Manly, a celebrated clinical psychologist and author who brings her expertise in relationships, emotional resilience, and personal transformation. In this engaging discussion, Dr. Manly shares her personal challenges and profound insights into the intricacies of setting healthy boundaries in relationships and the importance of self-awareness for a fulfilling life. Whether you're looking to enrich your personal or professional relationships, or you're seeking wisdom on aging gracefully and living joyfully, this episode offers the keys to unlock your wellness path. Tune in to evolve with us and reshape your approach to health and happiness. Remember, the insights shared here are designed to enlighten and entertain, complementing but not replacing professional advice. Catch us on all major streaming platforms, including Buzzsprout, and join our community on YouTube and our website at anew-insight.com. Follow us on social media @my.anew.insight for continuous updates and exclusive content. Don't miss out—your path to a more connected and joyful life awaits!

Visit Carla Marie, here her social media  links are: https://www.drcarlamanly.com/,  https://www.instagram.com/drcarlamanly/?hl=en, https://www.linkedin.com/in/carla-marie-manly-8682362b,  https://www.facebook.com/drcarlamanly/ ,  https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCQmSoiWGJEBasrIV3lrPsXw.  

Discover more: Visit anew-insight.com to explore our "Deprogram Diet Culture" course and dive deeper into a life of enriched health and enduring wellness. Follow us on our socials at  YouTube (@my.anew.insight), and at ANEW-Insight.com. Follow us on social media (@my.anew.insight) for updates and exclusive content Available on Amazon here: https://a.co/d/5IRab6o

Thank you for joining us on this journey to wellness. Remember, the insights and advice shared on the ANEW Body Insight Podcast are for educational and informational purposes only and do not constitute medical advice. Always consult with a healthcare professional before making any changes to your health routine. To learn more about the podcast and stay updated on new episodes, visit ANEW Body Insight Podcast at anew-insight.com. To watch this episode on YouTube, visit @my.anew.insight. Follow us on social media at @my.anew.insight on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, and Threads for more updates and insights. Thank you for tuning in! Stay connected with us for more empowering stories and expert guidance. Until next time, stay well and keep evolving with ANEW Body Insight!

Transcript

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Welcome to the ANEW Body Insight podcast,

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empowering and inspiring your journey to optimal health.

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Hosted by Dr. Supatra Tovar, clinical psychologist,

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registered dietitian, fitness expert and author of Deprogram Diet Culture:

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Rethink Your Relationship with Food, Heal Your Mind and Live a Diet-Free Life,

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and Chantal Donnelly, physical therapist and author of Settled:

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How to Find Calm in a Stress Inducing world.

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We follow our guests’ journey to optimal health,

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providing you with the keys to unlock your own wellness path.

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Tune in and evolve with us.

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Hello and welcome to the ANEW Body Insight podcast.

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I am Dr. Supatra.

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Tovar and sadly we do not have Chantal Donnelly

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with us today, but she's here in spirit.

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I am so thrilled and honored to have author,

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life fulfillment expert and clinical psychologist Dr.

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Carla Marie Manly with us today.

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Dr. Carla, welcome.

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Thank you so much for having me.

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It's such a pleasure to be here. Thank you.

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Yes, totally. We are. Podcast swapping.

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I was just on Dr.

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Carla's and Dr.

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is on mine, and we are just spreading the love and joy of helping people.

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That is our purpose, today and every day.

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So I'm going to read a little bit about Dr.

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Carla, and then I'm going to get right into my questions for her.

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Dr. Carla Marie Manly, clinical psychologist, relationship

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expert and author, is based in Sonoma County, California.

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In addition to her clinical practice

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focusing on relationships and personal transformation, Dr.

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Manly is deeply invested in her roles as podcaster, speaker,

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and consultant with a refreshingly direct and honest approach,

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plus a dose of humor and, I might add, a lot of kindness.

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Dr. Manly enjoys supporting others

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in the ever evolving journey of life.

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Her novel self-development paradigm builds resilience, emotional intelligence

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and self esteem, highlighting the importance of loving connection.

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Her work also focuses on helping others create deeply

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connected and satisfying intimate relationships.

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Working from a transformative model

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that honors the body mind spirit connection, Dr.

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Manly offers holistic relationship and wellness seminars around the world.

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An award winning author, Dr.

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Manly's books the Joy of Imperfect The Love, Date

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Smart ,Joy from Fear, and Aging Joyfully

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highlight her empowering approach and profound expertise.

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Host of the captivating podcast, which I was just on, Imperfect Love,

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Dr. Manly offers uplifting guidance on navigating the messy road of life.

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Her expertise is also regularly cited in media outlets,

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including The Wall Street Journal, The New York Times, the Los Angeles

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Times, USA today, Forbes, Oprah, Newsweek, NBC,

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HuffPost, Reader's Digest, Psychology Today, Parade,

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GQ, Women's Health, Architectural Digest, Men's Health, and more.

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As if there could be more.

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This is incredible.

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Dr. Carla, I am so honored to have you on today.

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I'm so blessed to be here.

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Dr. Supatra, thank you for having me.

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Yes, absolutely.

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So it was a really hard decision for me to figure out

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what I wanted to focus on in each part of this episode.

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So I chose to.

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We're going to start with relationships.

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I feel like that's an area we haven't really deeply covered in the podcast yet,

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and you are the person to get this information from.

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So I want to know, in your book, Date Smart, you emphasize the importance

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of self-awareness in building strong relationships.

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So what are the key steps that someone can take to become

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more self-aware in their romantic relationships?

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Thank you.

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It's a superb foundational question.

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And what I have seen over time

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is that many people get into relationships

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without being very intentional.

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They fall in love.

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They get into a dating app.

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They select somebody.

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They are selected by somebody.

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All of these ways where it's less passive, lessen, intentional.

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Then we might even think about when we're preparing a meal or preparing a meal.

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A Thanksgiving spread Christmas party.

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We have our lists for figuring out exactly what we want,

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who we want to come, what the qualities are of the food.

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You know what we want for the decorations.

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We put in a lot of energy, but when we go into the dating

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realm and the romantic relationship realm, particularly if we weren't

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coached as children or did if we didn't have healthy role models as caregivers,

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we may just fall into patterns without thinking about them.

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And I have really learned over time that one of the biggest keys

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to healthy romantic relationships,

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whether you're in one, whether you're out of one,

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whether you're taking a long hiatus or a short hiatus, is to really start

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diving into who you are as a human being,

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increasing that self-awareness, growing that

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self-awareness in a really non-judgmental way.

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Just stepping back from yourself as objectively as you can.

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Sometimes it's hard.

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So we often need a psychotherapist or a coach or a mentor,

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or a really patient best friend who is wise to notice

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what our patterns have been from childhood forward.

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Those that work for us, yes.

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Lean into those. Those that work against us.

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Okay, let's learn from those and really start developing

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this amazing person that you are.

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Can this happen at the same time you're in a relationship?

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Some people think, oh, I need to leave my relationship in order to grow myself.

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Not necessarily.

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If you're in a really unhealthy relationship or the dynamics

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are very, very difficult emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse,

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anything like that, it will be incredibly hard to work on yourself when you're

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in that relationship, because it's often takes so much effort just to stay afloat,

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just to get through one day in a really challenging relationship.

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But if you're in a and even moderately

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healthy relationship, you can surely work on yourself.

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And if your partner is interested in doing some self work, that power of two

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to continually work and use ruptures to gain

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insight into the self, into the other, into the relationship.

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So I really think just taking it back to the beginning,

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whether we are single or in partnership,

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the more we work on this self to increase self-awareness,

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to go out into the world knowing who we are and saying,

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this is what I have to offer, and being honest with yourself.

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And I'm talking about the things we have to offer on a very pragmatic,

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superficial level, but also the internal things.

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This is what I have to offer.

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I have, for example, I might have a strong work ethic.

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I might have, you know, a desire to have kids.

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I might have a desire to be partnered.

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I might have a desire just to be in hookup relationships,

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whatever it is that you have to offer.

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Know what it is.

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And then step two is to know what you want in return.

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Yes. Yes.

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I just want it.

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Before we get into that, I want to just piggyback on that.

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I have a lot of, couples clients.

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I have a lot of clients that are in relationship.

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And I can attest that really developing

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their selves as a full human being,

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really honoring who they are, makes them show up better in relationships.

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And yes, absolutely, if their partner is also in therapy

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and they might even be doing some couples therapy together.

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I have seen so many older toxic

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kinds of relationship patterns resolve themselves.

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Maybe they're picking up what they got from their parents and bringing it

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into this relationship, and the other partners doing the same,

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and they're bringing in all of these old attachment style difficulties

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when they can resolve them in themselves, they can flourish.

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So I absolutely agree that self-awareness is huge.

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So now tell us how you then kind of manifest

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the perfect partner or draw the perfect person into your life.

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You used a word

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choice that I really hone in on and or I like to hone.

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Actually, that word and home in on it.

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But when we hone the idea of perfection

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and we see that when we are looking for that perfect partner,

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that perfect lover, that perfect friend, that perfect child, that perfect whatever,

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we're already setting ourselves up for

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disappointment.

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Why, there is no such thing as perfect.

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And so when we set our sights on the perfect guys, who is this tall?

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You know, this.

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You know, weight makes this much money is going to have these perfect habits.

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We aren't seeing a human being.

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We're seeing maybe an image that we saw

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in childhood of Prince Charming or somebody we saw in a magazine.

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But real people, we all have imperfections.

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And that's why it's so important for us

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to really look at how imperfect we are,

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embrace our strengths, make them stronger,

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know our weaknesses, know our frailties.

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If they can be grown and strengthened in positive ways, let's do that.

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But if there are areas where, for example, I often use this,

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somebody is really good at math, somebody is really good in English.

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We may not be able to become Einstein,

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you know, in the world of mathematics and physics and all of that.

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So certainly me, I can't hardly add!

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Exactly. I'm with you on that.

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But we can get to a point where we can, you know, be proficient at it.

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And so I take that idea and help people.

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You might not ever be an Einstein at something, and that's okay.

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Just know that that area, whether it's financial management or sports or whatever

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it is, you can work at it, but you may not become really excellent at it.

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And that's okay.

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And in fact, it's interesting.

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I was working with a client earlier who was talking about wanting the daughter

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to be more

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optimistic, less negative, more upbeat, and some of that's a natural set point.

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Some of the research shows us that our level of optimism

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is about 50% of it is natural set point.

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So if you're thinking in your head, I want this perfect partner

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who's always going to be 100% optimistic.

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Well, that person, you may love them in all other realms, but they may have

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a slightly more pessimistic outlook, and they might have to really work

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toward being appreciative and all of that and being more optimistic.

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So we want to know that the idea

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of perfection, one of the most difficult aspects of it, is that it

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makes us think that relationships don't take work,

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and that self-development

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doesn't take work because we are.

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All. Yes.

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So that's a big piece of of

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why I think that sometimes we set ourselves up when we say,

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I'm going to find that perfect someone, that perfect soulmate.

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I believe in soulmates, but I also believe that sometimes

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the soulmate is the one who makes us work the hardest.

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Right? Or challenges us.

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helps us grow.

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I think that that's kind of true for anyone that comes into our lives.

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We don't realize, even if it's a difficult relationship,

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we don't realize that we're actually learning something

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and growing and getting something even from the most negative interactions.

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So I think that's so important that we tend to look at our connections

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with more of an open gaze and more of an open heart in terms

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of what we can learn, rather than building up, you know, resentments.

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If things don't work out for us, if we have a conflict for someone.

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I think it's so important to look for the lesson in that.

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Now, you also talk about creating really deeply connected relationships.

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What what kind of advice do you have for couples to learn how to do that?

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What does that actually mean?

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Creating these deeply connected relationships.

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In my it's actually my fourth book, the Joy of Imperfect Love.

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I talk a lot about how

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friendships are actually at the root

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of every healthy,

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long term relationship, whether it's a friendship with a bestie, a

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kid, a partner, a romantic partner, whomever it might be,

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the friendship

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is the most important foundation because when we have a strong foundation,

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we are operating in that very tempting, superficial realm

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where conversations always stay a, you know, we're talking about,

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you know, the latest car, the latest purse or the latest sports

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or the latest outfit or what we did at work.

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Those are all great conversations.

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But one of the most common things I hear from people,

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most common complaint says my partner doesn't see me.

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My partner is not curious about me.

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Yeah, I feel like a ghost in the relationship.

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I feel like we're roommates.

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I feel like we're ships passing in the night all of these.

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And where?

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What is that coming from?

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It's coming from a lack of that

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deep friendship and friendship.

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One of the key pieces of it is that we really spend time

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to cultivate the relationship, to show up,

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to be curious, to be present,

00:15:28:09 - 00:15:31:09

and somebody I even hear this from couples, they'll say, well,

00:15:31:11 - 00:15:34:21

we've been married for ten years or 30 years or whatever it is.

00:15:35:02 - 00:15:38:08

I already know everything there is to know about my wife or my husband.

00:15:38:08 - 00:15:41:21

I think, oh my goodness, how is that possible?

00:15:42:18 - 00:15:46:08

Because in truth, we are all changing every day.

00:15:46:16 - 00:15:50:17

I've experienced things today that my husband won't hear about or know

00:15:50:17 - 00:15:55:22

about until he comes, you know, and I see him tonight and he won't.

00:15:55:22 - 00:15:57:17

I won't know things about him.

00:15:57:17 - 00:16:00:14

And so he we are evolving differently today.

00:16:00:14 - 00:16:02:08

He is experiencing things.

00:16:02:08 - 00:16:05:12

And so it is that part of when we come back together,

00:16:05:19 - 00:16:10:09

whether for evenings or weekends or whatever it is we want.

00:16:10:09 - 00:16:12:11

It's one of the most beautiful things about friendships.

00:16:12:11 - 00:16:17:02

We can see a friend, you know, maybe once a month and we get that coffee time

00:16:17:02 - 00:16:20:02

and we're catching up and we're going deep.

00:16:20:05 - 00:16:22:06

We're sharing things that happen to us.

00:16:22:06 - 00:16:27:13

Yes, we can share some superficial things, but notice that those really deep

00:16:27:13 - 00:16:30:17

connections are the ones where we're able

00:16:30:17 - 00:16:34:06

to talk about, yes, the superficial things, those are lovely,

00:16:34:12 - 00:16:37:19

but also going down into things that are scaring us

00:16:38:05 - 00:16:41:08

or challenging us, our hopes, our dreams

00:16:41:16 - 00:16:44:22

and in that space of that deep connection,

00:16:45:16 - 00:16:51:04

that is where trust and safety and of course, vulnerability,

00:16:51:04 - 00:16:57:04

all of these beautiful, essential needs are met and fed.

00:16:57:16 - 00:17:00:04

And so that's what I really think.

00:17:00:04 - 00:17:02:23

Most people, they want to be seen.

00:17:02:23 - 00:17:05:10

They want to be listened to.

00:17:05:10 - 00:17:09:01

Well, how does somebody, if they really want

00:17:09:01 - 00:17:13:03

and crave this deep connection, but their partner is a little bit

00:17:13:03 - 00:17:16:22

more kind of in the checked out state going on autopilot.

00:17:17:06 - 00:17:22:11

What do you suggest for somebody to help bring about this deep connection?

00:17:25:01 - 00:17:26:08

It's such a great question.

00:17:26:08 - 00:17:29:12

And one of the things I actually learned from a therapist

00:17:30:02 - 00:17:35:09

that I have recommended so many times is when you first come home from work,

00:17:35:09 - 00:17:38:09

the first time you see each other, pause

00:17:38:18 - 00:17:41:10

whatever you're doing,

00:17:41:10 - 00:17:43:15

person who comes in the door finds the other person.

00:17:43:15 - 00:17:47:04

If the other person doesn't know they're there and pause.

00:17:47:05 - 00:17:49:16

Heart to heart.

00:17:49:16 - 00:17:51:03

Feel each other's heart

00:17:51:03 - 00:17:53:20

Deep breath in. Deep breath out.

00:17:53:20 - 00:17:55:15

And a very clear look.

00:17:55:15 - 00:18:00:21

Separate and a very clear look in your eyes I love you. Wow.

00:18:00:23 - 00:18:03:13

Thank you for being in my life.

00:18:03:13 - 00:18:06:15

And that sets the stage

00:18:06:15 - 00:18:10:14

for that reconnection that basic.

00:18:10:14 - 00:18:13:14

And I had actually learned just the heart to heart hug

00:18:13:14 - 00:18:16:03

that I developed over the years to say, wait a second.

00:18:16:03 - 00:18:21:13

We want to add on this gaze, that I gaze of that deep, seeing each other.

00:18:21:23 - 00:18:26:18

So I think that tends to set the stage, because often couples come home from work,

00:18:26:18 - 00:18:30:05

or the one who's tended to the kids of kids are around or whatever,

00:18:30:11 - 00:18:31:11

and they're in their own worlds.

00:18:31:11 - 00:18:34:12

Their heads are still spinning from this and that and to do lists.

00:18:34:19 - 00:18:38:06

And so we hop right into the to to do list or the busyness,

00:18:38:12 - 00:18:41:09

and we forget that to see,

00:18:41:09 - 00:18:44:09

to reconnect with this sacred being in front of us.

00:18:44:18 - 00:18:47:00

And so I think that's one of the most important things

00:18:47:00 - 00:18:49:18

that actually works with especially with kiddos too.

00:18:49:18 - 00:18:52:10

Right? You want to give them a big no matter their age.

00:18:52:10 - 00:18:55:23

You want to see him and let him know, you're important, I see you.

00:18:56:12 - 00:18:57:13

The other piece

00:18:58:17 - 00:18:59:24

is some couples will

00:18:59:24 - 00:19:02:24

say to me, I don't even know where to start.

00:19:03:01 - 00:19:05:05

I'm sick of asking him about his day.

00:19:05:05 - 00:19:07:02

He's sick about asking me about my work day.

00:19:07:02 - 00:19:08:15

I want to leave work behind me.

00:19:08:15 - 00:19:10:05

So what can you do?

00:19:10:05 - 00:19:11:23

You can purchase if you need them.

00:19:11:23 - 00:19:15:10

There are many out there conversation starter cards

00:19:15:17 - 00:19:20:15

specifically for couples where you can, and they're amazing.

00:19:20:15 - 00:19:24:08

And I had told you about the ones I finally came out with.

00:19:24:16 - 00:19:25:24

They're called for. Talk about those.

00:19:25:24 - 00:19:31:06

Well, they're Imperfect Love cards, and they're a way for individuals and couples

00:19:31:13 - 00:19:36:13

to just in really simple little bursts, 45 cards, they're directions.

00:19:36:13 - 00:19:38:21

You pull a card and it will help

00:19:38:21 - 00:19:42:10

you look at some aspect of yourself in a very gentle way.

00:19:42:16 - 00:19:45:21

Help you ask your partner about it in a very gentle way.

00:19:45:21 - 00:19:47:08

They can ask you.

00:19:47:08 - 00:19:48:24

You can take it. And it was fun.

00:19:48:24 - 00:19:52:09

I did one with friends the other day and they said, oh my goodness,

00:19:52:09 - 00:19:55:09

we could probably get through a few, you know, through a few of them.

00:19:55:15 - 00:19:58:06

And we had an hour together and I said, oh, let's give it a shot.

00:19:58:06 - 00:20:02:02

We picked one and spent the entire hour

00:20:02:17 - 00:20:06:22

dismantling just this one piece from three,

00:20:06:22 - 00:20:09:22

because there were three of us from three different perspectives.

00:20:09:22 - 00:20:13:21

So you can do that with something like conversation cards or my Imperfect

00:20:13:21 - 00:20:14:15

Love cards.

00:20:14:15 - 00:20:17:11

You can do it with a newspaper article.

00:20:17:11 - 00:20:20:04

You can pick something from the newspaper.

00:20:20:04 - 00:20:24:13

And and it could be looking at your horoscope and talking about

00:20:24:15 - 00:20:27:15

what the horoscope meant to you, what it did, and how you find it

00:20:27:15 - 00:20:32:02

funny, how how you find it appropriate if you really pause

00:20:33:01 - 00:20:37:14

to look at the person and make the time.

00:20:37:14 - 00:20:40:03

Because again, we're often on autopilot.

00:20:40:03 - 00:20:42:10

We want to get to cooking. We want to get back to our phones.

00:20:42:10 - 00:20:44:01

We want to get to the news.

00:20:44:01 - 00:20:46:17

And it's really funny thing is, my husband tends

00:20:46:17 - 00:20:50:05

to always be rushing home to do the next project.

00:20:50:11 - 00:20:53:11

And I say to him, off, I say, honey, what you're rushing for?

00:20:53:18 - 00:20:56:02

Why are you doing that? Let's just be.

00:20:56:02 - 00:21:00:03

And he'll look at me and he'll settle down for maybe 5 or 10 minutes just to be.

00:21:00:11 - 00:21:03:11

But when we make it fun, like, hey,

00:21:03:13 - 00:21:06:11

hey, partner, I want to invite you.

00:21:06:11 - 00:21:10:02

And often I have found with couples

00:21:10:15 - 00:21:14:02

that one or both partners are afraid of connection.

00:21:14:04 - 00:21:16:03

You had mentioned attaching it earlier.

00:21:16:03 - 00:21:19:24

Yes. And I work from an attachment paradigm often,

00:21:20:22 - 00:21:24:16

and my last book, the Joy of Imperfect Love, is from an attachment paradigm.

00:21:24:22 - 00:21:29:09

We often don't realize that if we have a partner

00:21:29:09 - 00:21:32:09

who has one of the insecure attachment styles.

00:21:32:24 - 00:21:37:03

Asking questions, having deep conversations

00:21:37:18 - 00:21:40:05

may be actually quite scary to them.

00:21:40:05 - 00:21:43:15

They might not be able to admit it, they might not realize it.

00:21:43:24 - 00:21:48:13

But I know quite a few people where they were quizzed by their parents

00:21:48:13 - 00:21:52:06

or put in the hot seat by parents or former romantic partners,

00:21:52:14 - 00:21:53:07

where the idea

00:21:53:07 - 00:21:56:11

of having somebody ask questions like, oh no, I'm going to get in trouble.

00:21:57:01 - 00:22:00:14

And it can come from a very, very old part of the self,

00:22:00:14 - 00:22:03:14

or rather very young part of the self that is afraid.

00:22:03:20 - 00:22:09:21

So as we learn to have conversations that are gentle, but taking them deep

00:22:10:03 - 00:22:13:03

and asking questions like, well, what are your thoughts on that?

00:22:13:18 - 00:22:15:13

What would you do with that?

00:22:15:13 - 00:22:18:14

And when the other person realizes we won't judge them,

00:22:18:14 - 00:22:25:05

that we're just trying to learn, we create that that lovely connection.

00:22:25:05 - 00:22:27:13

And it takes time.

00:22:27:13 - 00:22:30:16

As you know, there are some times when a partner if a partner’s

00:22:30:16 - 00:22:34:06

highly defended or always on some busy track,

00:22:34:13 - 00:22:38:01

and especially if their kids and lots of life responsibilities,

00:22:38:01 - 00:22:40:12

it can seem like, why do I want to do this?

00:22:40:12 - 00:22:42:10

I just want to go and sleep right now.

00:22:42:10 - 00:22:45:22

Yes, yes, I love that

00:22:46:04 - 00:22:50:05

you encourage to make the connection time fun.

00:22:50:19 - 00:22:54:07

With my husband, we created what we call Wuddling

00:22:55:12 - 00:22:56:04

and that's when

00:22:56:04 - 00:22:59:04

we come together right before we get ready for bed.

00:22:59:07 - 00:23:04:08

And we do wordle puzzles like Frase and Wordle, and we do them together.

00:23:04:08 - 00:23:07:10

And that then turns into a cuddle session.

00:23:07:20 - 00:23:09:24

And we do that every single night together.

00:23:09:24 - 00:23:15:16

Even if I'm traveling, we will do wuddling via like zoom or whatever.

00:23:15:16 - 00:23:16:21

The method is.

00:23:16:21 - 00:23:21:19

And it really has increased our intimacy levels,

00:23:21:19 - 00:23:24:19

just our ability to just, you know, have these wonderful

00:23:24:19 - 00:23:28:11

conversations based out of, you know, something fun.

00:23:28:11 - 00:23:33:07

So I love that you do that and encourage that with your clients.

00:23:33:07 - 00:23:35:05

I think that's so important.

00:23:35:05 - 00:23:38:00

But what about and I have a few,

00:23:38:00 - 00:23:42:19

you know, I think most couples, when they go to therapy,

00:23:42:19 - 00:23:46:21

they're there in certain conflict states

00:23:47:23 - 00:23:50:03

when it comes to conflict resolution.

00:23:50:03 - 00:23:54:22

You know, I think the communication tends to kind of go out the window.

00:23:55:13 - 00:23:59:08

What are some strategies that you suggest for people

00:23:59:17 - 00:24:02:23

when they're in this high conflict state?

00:24:02:23 - 00:24:05:08

Emotions are running high.

00:24:05:08 - 00:24:08:08

How how can they resolve that peacefully?

00:24:10:09 - 00:24:11:14

Great question.

00:24:11:14 - 00:24:14:14

And one of my first techniques for that,

00:24:14:22 - 00:24:17:12

even though it might seem obvious,

00:24:17:12 - 00:24:20:12

take a time out.

00:24:21:04 - 00:24:22:24

And a time out

00:24:22:24 - 00:24:26:01

just has a few basic agreements.

00:24:27:03 - 00:24:30:18

And I really love making agreements explicit

00:24:30:18 - 00:24:33:03

rather than assuming somebody knows.

00:24:33:03 - 00:24:37:18

And so I think one of the first things because when our patterns are old

00:24:37:18 - 00:24:43:00

and hard wired in, they get in control of us very quickly.

00:24:43:17 - 00:24:46:22

And one of the only ways to become the master

00:24:46:23 - 00:24:48:16

over the habit instead of the habit.

00:24:48:16 - 00:24:55:00

Having mastery over you, is to simply say to your partner, I need a timeout.

00:24:56:03 - 00:24:58:06

This is where I'm going.

00:24:58:06 - 00:25:00:19

This is when I'll return.

00:25:00:19 - 00:25:03:19

And so that might sound like this

00:25:04:00 - 00:25:07:00

I'm feeling really stressed right now.

00:25:07:01 - 00:25:10:01

I'm getting pretty anxious about our discussion.

00:25:10:04 - 00:25:13:03

I'm going to take a walk around the block.

00:25:13:03 - 00:25:17:24

I'll be gone for about 15 minutes when I get back, I'll check in with you.

00:25:17:24 - 00:25:22:03

And if you’re, you and I are both in a better space, we can try again.

00:25:23:07 - 00:25:25:16

It can also be a longer duration.

00:25:25:16 - 00:25:29:20

It can be something like, hey, I'm feeling really upset right now.

00:25:29:20 - 00:25:30:19

I'm not.

00:25:30:19 - 00:25:33:19

I can feel that I'm not going to be able to use my words properly

00:25:33:19 - 00:25:36:19

and that my, you know, anger's really coming up strong.

00:25:37:03 - 00:25:39:16

I'm going to go take a drive.

00:25:39:16 - 00:25:44:13

I'll be gone for probably two hours and go to the gardening store,

00:25:45:01 - 00:25:48:16

have a walk around, maybe get a plant or two.

00:25:48:23 - 00:25:53:24

I'll have my phone with me, and I'll be back in about two hours.

00:25:53:24 - 00:25:56:24

And I'm going to use the time to do some thinking.

00:25:56:24 - 00:26:00:07

And I hope you know, it's a positive interlude for you as well.

00:26:01:00 - 00:26:04:00

And what we've done by that.

00:26:04:00 - 00:26:06:04

We've taken care of the self.

00:26:06:04 - 00:26:10:06

We've checked our anger, frustration, whatever we've given ourselves,

00:26:10:06 - 00:26:14:14

whatever time we think we need to recalibrate, we've modeled

00:26:14:14 - 00:26:18:10

for the other person that we're safe, that we're going to stay contained.

00:26:18:10 - 00:26:21:12

If they're very anxious, they know where we're going, though,

00:26:21:16 - 00:26:25:12

so we're likely not too badly triggering any fear

00:26:25:12 - 00:26:29:14

of rejection or fear of, you know, disappearing on them.

00:26:30:14 - 00:26:31:10

I know, you know,

00:26:31:10 - 00:26:34:21

it makes the abandonment issues not get quite so hot,

00:26:35:08 - 00:26:39:03

and then it allows them to know

00:26:39:11 - 00:26:42:10

I am circling back to reconnect.

00:26:42:10 - 00:26:44:11

And this is when.

00:26:44:11 - 00:26:47:11

So it creates the safety.

00:26:47:20 - 00:26:52:00

And then if you come back often what I've seen with partners, once

00:26:52:00 - 00:26:54:10

they get used to it, when both people get used to it

00:26:54:10 - 00:26:57:10

and use that time apart for a little reflection,

00:26:58:03 - 00:27:00:04

if as they learn to get out of the blame

00:27:00:04 - 00:27:03:14

and shame game, often by the time they return,

00:27:05:00 - 00:27:08:00

a bit of the problem has resolved itself.

00:27:08:24 - 00:27:11:08

Yes. And then they're able to.

00:27:11:08 - 00:27:13:23

Sometimes some, you know, partners will tell me, oh, you know,

00:27:13:23 - 00:27:17:20

I took a timeout and, you know, I went for a run.

00:27:18:04 - 00:27:22:01

And as I was running, I could hear the oh, my wife was asking

00:27:22:18 - 00:27:24:16

was for me to listen to her.

00:27:24:16 - 00:27:26:09

I had made it into a big deal.

00:27:26:09 - 00:27:29:20

And then when I came home, I was like, hey honey, I'm so sorry.

00:27:30:10 - 00:27:31:24

I used the time to reflect.

00:27:31:24 - 00:27:33:22

I realized I wasn't listening to you.

00:27:33:22 - 00:27:35:18

What do you want to say?

00:27:35:18 - 00:27:39:12

So are yeah, often that that timeout because

00:27:39:12 - 00:27:44:21

we're used to timeouts for kids, but we aren't used to taking them as adults.

00:27:44:21 - 00:27:47:21

And that's— WellI would say that like, you know,

00:27:47:21 - 00:27:51:02

probably the most common attachment style couples that

00:27:51:04 - 00:27:56:09

and you probably agree are the avoidant and the anxious attachment styles.

00:27:56:09 - 00:27:57:04

Yeah.

00:27:57:04 - 00:28:00:15

It's the ones that are avoidant tend to be the ones

00:28:00:15 - 00:28:05:02

who might cut off a conversation and walk out the door

00:28:05:02 - 00:28:09:01

and leave the one who's anxious without that time frame,

00:28:09:07 - 00:28:12:13

without knowing when that person is going to get back.

00:28:12:17 - 00:28:15:20

And that is so anxiety producing.

00:28:16:04 - 00:28:20:08

I think that that is a I do this with my couple clients too.

00:28:20:08 - 00:28:24:24

I think it is so important when it, you know, becomes heated

00:28:25:09 - 00:28:29:20

that we take that time that we, you know, allow each other the moment

00:28:29:20 - 00:28:32:23

to just regulate ourselves and come back

00:28:32:23 - 00:28:35:23

and be able to talk from a loving place.

00:28:35:24 - 00:28:39:02

It's also, you know, encouraged in things like nonviolent

00:28:39:02 - 00:28:42:08

communication and I think is so valuable.

00:28:42:16 - 00:28:48:22

And I think so many conflicts are resolved just by that communication.

00:28:48:22 - 00:28:54:04

The explicit I will be here, I will be gone this long, I am coming back.

00:28:54:12 - 00:28:55:07

Don't worry.

00:28:55:07 - 00:28:58:16

The other person gets a chance to regulate their nervous system.

00:28:58:16 - 00:29:00:00

They get the chance.

00:29:00:00 - 00:29:03:17

And when they come back, usually the conflict tends to,

00:29:03:22 - 00:29:08:14

you know, resolve itself or at least be more easily resolved.

00:29:09:16 - 00:29:12:04

So let's talk about boundaries.

00:29:12:04 - 00:29:12:20

Okay?

00:29:12:20 - 00:29:16:13

Boundaries are really, really important in healthy relationships.

00:29:16:13 - 00:29:19:21

But I think so many people struggle with creating them.

00:29:20:03 - 00:29:22:24

What kind of, you know, advice do you give on

00:29:22:24 - 00:29:25:24

creating boundaries within a relationship?

00:29:27:04 - 00:29:30:10

I think boundaries are such a critical part

00:29:30:13 - 00:29:35:02

because they tell us what our needs are.

00:29:35:05 - 00:29:37:23

When we have boundaries.

00:29:37:23 - 00:29:42:01

We have taken the time to say this is what's important to me.

00:29:42:13 - 00:29:46:13

This is, you know, who can come in through this particular gate.

00:29:46:21 - 00:29:48:10

This person needs a key.

00:29:48:10 - 00:29:50:13

This person doesn't, you know, whatever it might be,

00:29:50:13 - 00:29:53:13

because our boundaries are different for different situations.

00:29:53:23 - 00:29:58:07

And I think in our romantic relationships,

00:29:58:18 - 00:30:01:24

boundaries really set us up for success

00:30:02:00 - 00:30:06:03

because they create more respect, more respect for the self,

00:30:06:11 - 00:30:11:09

more respect for the partner, and more respect for the relationship.

00:30:11:24 - 00:30:16:12

And I also think that boundaries tend to cut down on game playing,

00:30:17:08 - 00:30:21:10

which yes, often if there's a dysfunctional relationship

00:30:22:07 - 00:30:26:17

when when at least one partner starts growing the boundaries,

00:30:26:24 - 00:30:32:08

there's not as much opportunity for the manipulation

00:30:32:08 - 00:30:38:03

because as that person gets stronger and gets boundaries and learns, you know,

00:30:38:04 - 00:30:42:14

to have and hold these healthy boundaries, then they feel better.

00:30:42:14 - 00:30:45:02

And that's just nice. Like picket fence.

00:30:45:02 - 00:30:49:04

It's not a brick wall, but they're saying, you know, hey, this is what I need.

00:30:49:11 - 00:30:52:15

And so I think it's so helpful in relationships

00:30:52:24 - 00:30:57:14

because it does create a sense of also knowing

00:30:58:16 - 00:30:59:03

what the

00:30:59:03 - 00:31:02:06

other person's expectations are and what their needs are.

00:31:02:07 - 00:31:04:14

That takes away the second guessing.

00:31:04:14 - 00:31:05:09

Absolutely.

00:31:05:09 - 00:31:10:08

So what would you suggest to somebody if they, you know, say,

00:31:10:08 - 00:31:13:18

are in a relationship where a partner might be speaking

00:31:13:22 - 00:31:16:22

to them in a way that they don't appreciate?

00:31:17:02 - 00:31:20:02

How would they set a boundary?

00:31:20:05 - 00:31:22:18

I love using “I messages.”

00:31:22:18 - 00:31:27:06

And for listeners who aren't, you know, familiar with I Messages

00:31:27:16 - 00:31:30:13

and I Message is simply instead of saying,

00:31:30:13 - 00:31:34:05

you are an idiot, you hurt my feelings.

00:31:34:09 - 00:31:35:23

You never do things right.

00:31:35:23 - 00:31:39:20

That sort of thing, which many people were raised with that kind of language.

00:31:40:02 - 00:31:44:11

So if that it's does sound familiar, what you'd want to start shifting to

00:31:44:17 - 00:31:48:10

is I followed by a feeling statement.

00:31:49:03 - 00:31:54:01

I feel sad, I feel hurt, and then you can even add on

00:31:54:01 - 00:31:58:13

not only why you feel sad and hurt, but what the cure would be.

00:31:58:23 - 00:32:01:14

So it could sound something like,

00:32:01:14 - 00:32:05:00

I feel hurt when you don't call me

00:32:05:03 - 00:32:09:01

when you're running late because I work really hard to make a beautiful dinner,

00:32:09:10 - 00:32:12:04

and then I have to re-heat it

00:32:12:04 - 00:32:15:07

and I feel disrespected when that happens.

00:32:16:12 - 00:32:16:22

In the

00:32:16:22 - 00:32:21:04

future, I would appreciate it if you're going to be more than, you know,

00:32:21:04 - 00:32:24:11

5 or 10 minutes late, just shoot me a text that says,

00:32:24:22 - 00:32:28:00

hey, I'll be home a bit late.

00:32:28:00 - 00:32:29:20

It'll be like 15 minutes.

00:32:29:20 - 00:32:32:23

I would feel so much more respected if you did that.

00:32:33:08 - 00:32:38:05

So what you've done is you've had nice boundaries, you've stated

00:32:38:05 - 00:32:43:19

your needs, you've stated how you feel, and you've given your partner very clear

00:32:44:11 - 00:32:49:13

directions on what they could do to honor that boundary.

00:32:50:01 - 00:32:53:08

I love it, I think, I think I Statements are everything

00:32:53:16 - 00:32:56:20

because it it lowers defense.

00:32:56:20 - 00:33:02:17

It helps the partners see their partner from a more human and loving standpoint.

00:33:02:17 - 00:33:06:01

And when we love our partner, we don't want to see them feel disrespected.

00:33:06:01 - 00:33:09:23

We don't want to see them having these difficult emotions.

00:33:09:23 - 00:33:13:07

And I think replacing the finger pointing

00:33:13:10 - 00:33:17:08

with more of a, you know, hand on the heart and saying,

00:33:18:01 - 00:33:21:04

this is, you know, an area that's hard for me if you could

00:33:21:04 - 00:33:23:03

please just be conscious of that.

00:33:23:03 - 00:33:26:03

Of course they're going to want to give that to you.

00:33:26:17 - 00:33:31:21

Dr. Carla, I cannot believe, but we're out of time for this half of this episode.

00:33:31:21 - 00:33:35:22

We could go on and on and on and talk about relationships together.

00:33:36:05 - 00:33:40:14

And I have to say, I can't even imagine you having conflict in your relationships

00:33:40:14 - 00:33:44:17

because you are just the kindest, most gentle person.

00:33:44:17 - 00:33:47:05

So, you know, it feel like I'm.

00:33:47:05 - 00:33:51:00

I'm learning from a guru, but we're going to take a little bit of a break

00:33:51:07 - 00:33:55:09

and we're going to come back for the next half of this episode,

00:33:55:15 - 00:33:57:09

and we're going to switch gears,

00:33:57:09 - 00:34:00:11

because we're going to now talk about joyful aging.

00:34:00:18 - 00:34:03:01

So thank you for joining us for this.

00:34:03:01 - 00:34:05:01

Have Dr. Carla.

00:34:05:01 - 00:34:06:07

Thank you for having me.

00:34:06:07 - 00:34:07:21

Dr. Supatra.

00:34:07:21 - 00:34:10:21

Yes, and thank you for joining us.

00:34:10:21 - 00:34:14:21

Tune in next week for the second half of this wonderful interview

00:34:15:01 - 00:34:19:18

with author, life fulfillment expert and clinical psychologist, Dr.

00:34:19:18 - 00:34:21:19

Carla Marie Manly.

00:34:23:20 - 00:34:27:18

Thanks for tuning into the ANEW Body Insight podcast.

00:34:28:00 - 00:34:31:12

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00:34:31:12 - 00:34:34:14

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