Unlocking Wellness: Navigating Relationships and Health with Dr. Supatra Tovar and Guests | Anew Ep 44

Welcome to the ANEW Body Insight podcast, where your journey to optimal health takes center stage. Join Dr. Supatra Tovar, a seasoned clinical psychologist, registered dietitian, and fitness expert. Each episode dives deep into the realms of psychology, nutrition, and personal well-being.

In this engaging series, Dr. Tovar and her expert guests, including Doctors Nazanin Moali and Richard Espinoza from LA Love Lab, explore transformative approaches to understanding and fulfilling your health and relationship needs. From expert insights into matchmaking services to comprehensive discussions on sexual needs and personal growth, this podcast offers invaluable wisdom for anyone looking to enhance their quality of life.

Recorded live at City Club Los Angeles, the podcast provides a platform for listeners to gain expert advice on navigating the complex landscapes of modern relationships and self-improvement. Whether you're seeking to improve your communication skills, deepen your understanding of your own health, or simply find calm in a stress-inducing world, ANEW Body Insight has you covered.

Tune in to evolve with us and discover the keys to a healthier, more fulfilled life. Learn how to rethink your relationship with food, heal your mind, and live a diet-free life through engaging discussions and real-life applications of psychological and nutritional expertise.

Please note, the content shared on this podcast is for entertainment purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. For more engaging content, follow us on our socials and join us for each episode to take your health and wellness to the next level.

For more information about Drs.. Richard Espinoza & Nazanin Moali here are their social media channels link:  https://www.instagram.com/lovelabmatchmaking/ ,www.lalovelab.com , https://drrichardespinoza.com/ , https://oasis2care.com/nazanin-moali-psychologist-torrance-ca/ 

Listen on all major streaming platforms or visit anew-insight.com to watch and listen under the ANEW Body Insight podcast tab. Don’t forget to follow us on social media @my.anew.insight for more updates and inspiring content.

Thank you for joining us on this journey to wellness. Remember, the insights and advice shared on the ANEW Body Insight Podcast are for educational and informational purposes only and do not constitute medical advice. Always consult with a healthcare professional before making any changes to your health routine. To learn more about the podcast and stay updated on new episodes, visit ANEW Body Insight Podcast at anew-insight.com. To watch this episode on YouTube, visit @my.anew.insight. Follow us on social media at @my.anew.insight on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, and Threads for more updates and insights. Thank you for tuning in! Stay connected with us for more empowering stories and expert guidance. Until next time, stay well and keep evolving with ANEW Body Insight!

Transcript

00:00:02:11 - 00:00:04:03
Welcome
to the ANEW Body Insight podcast,


00:00:04:12 - 00:00:07:14
empowering and inspiring your journey to optimal health.


00:00:08:04 - 00:00:11:10
Hosted by Dr. Supatra Tovar, clinical psychologist,


00:00:11:10 - 00:00:16:12
registered dietitian, fitness expert, and author of Deprogram Diet Culture:


00:00:16:12 - 00:00:20:08
Rethink Your Relationship with Food, Heal Your Mind, and Live a Diet-Free


00:00:20:08 - 00:00:25:09
Life, and Chantal Donnelly, physical therapist and author of Settled:


00:00:25:09 - 00:00:28:08
How to Find Calm in a Stress Inducing World.


00:00:28:08 - 00:00:32:05
Here at City Club Los Angeles, we follow our guests journey to optimal


00:00:32:05 - 00:00:36:07
health, providing you with the keys to unlock your own wellness path.


00:00:36:21 - 00:00:39:21
Tune in and evolve with us.


00:00:40:21 - 00:00:43:12
Welcome back to the ANEW Body
Insight podcast.


00:00:43:12 - 00:00:48:16
I am Doctor Supatra Tovar and we are
back for the second half of our interview


00:00:48:17 - 00:00:54:13
with Doctors Nazanin Moali and Doctor
Richard Espinoza from LA Love Lab.


00:00:54:14 - 00:00:56:10
Welcome back you two.


00:00:56:10 - 00:00:59:21
(clapping)


00:01:00:08 - 00:01:02:04
These amazing Doctors


00:01:02:04 - 00:01:04:22
gave us some very invaluable insight


00:01:05:04 - 00:01:09:04
into their matchmaking service
and it is really fabulous.


00:01:09:07 - 00:01:10:13
If you didn't hear the first half,


00:01:10:13 - 00:01:13:19
you gotta go back and you have to listen
because it's it's really unique.


00:01:13:20 - 00:01:19:14
And I think very healing and wonderful
for people to be able to participate


00:01:19:14 - 00:01:23:04
in something like this
and improve their relationship skills.


00:01:24:02 - 00:01:27:00
We are going to learn more
and we're going to


00:01:27:00 - 00:01:30:09
hopefully help you find your next match.


00:01:30:18 - 00:01:36:08
So let's talk about, ways that
individuals can approach and understand


00:01:36:14 - 00:01:41:03
their own needs in a relationship
and better communicate them.


00:01:41:16 - 00:01:43:12
How do they discover that?


00:01:44:12 - 00:01:48:09
Well, I would say that beginning piece,
that I talk about it


00:01:48:09 - 00:01:53:05
my clients, is to think about your life
in three section in relationship.


00:01:53:12 - 00:01:57:16
Your emotional need,
relational need and sexual need.


00:01:57:16 - 00:02:01:01
And I think it's important to reflect
on your past relationships.


00:02:01:09 - 00:02:04:02
What are some of the things
in each of these categories


00:02:04:02 - 00:02:07:15
that worked for you and what are some of
the things that did not work for you?


00:02:08:00 - 00:02:11:09
And then as you're going
through these descriptions


00:02:11:09 - 00:02:16:02
and these needs, identify
which ones they are deal breakers for you.


00:02:16:02 - 00:02:19:07
So if the person doesn't have
that, it's a deal breaker.


00:02:19:07 - 00:02:21:03
And which ones are the preferences.


00:02:21:03 - 00:02:26:02
And I think sometimes maybe you're
visualizing yourself I'm in 20 years.


00:02:26:02 - 00:02:27:14
I'm with this person.


00:02:27:14 - 00:02:31:07
Do I want to have all of them, to have
all of it?


00:02:31:07 - 00:02:32:14
Is it essential?


00:02:32:14 - 00:02:35:12
Or if they have the five six


00:02:35:12 - 00:02:38:23
basic needs that
I think I might need that they can meet?


00:02:39:08 - 00:02:40:20
That's that's enough for me.


00:02:40:20 - 00:02:43:13
So I think identifying
that is really helpful.


00:02:43:13 - 00:02:46:22
Then when you are like examining
your previous relationship.


00:02:47:04 - 00:02:47:19
Absolutely.


00:02:47:19 - 00:02:52:16
But sex is one thing that I think
a lot of people are very hesitant.


00:02:52:16 - 00:02:54:01
There's a lot of taboos.


00:02:54:01 - 00:02:57:07
They are, you know, shy about that.


00:02:57:16 - 00:03:02:20
You have your Sexology podcast
is really good, and she has a lot of spicy


00:03:02:20 - 00:03:06:18
tips for the bedroom kind of videos
also that she puts out on to social media.


00:03:07:01 - 00:03:08:04
Awesome.


00:03:08:04 - 00:03:13:01
How to people really learn
how to get in touch with their sexuality


00:03:13:01 - 00:03:17:22
and maybe take out some of that stigma
and shame and, shyness about it?


00:03:18:10 - 00:03:21:09
Well Doctor Supatra,
you brought up such a great point. Right?


00:03:21:09 - 00:03:26:22
Sometimes we feel we don't give yourself
permission to be able to attend


00:03:26:22 - 00:03:31:18
to our sexual needs because we learn that
those are not needs, right?


00:03:31:18 - 00:03:34:13
Those are luxuries in the relationship.


00:03:34:13 - 00:03:38:10
But pleasure is the, 
right of every single person.


00:03:38:18 - 00:03:42:20
So kind of like knowing that you deserve
pleasure is the first step.


00:03:43:00 - 00:03:46:00
There's nothing wrong
about wanting to have pleasure.


00:03:46:15 - 00:03:50:15
Kind of like looking into, 
what is the meaning of sex for you?


00:03:50:22 - 00:03:53:08
For some people,
meaning of sex is connection.


00:03:53:08 - 00:03:56:08
For some people is
adventure, is sensuality.


00:03:56:14 - 00:03:59:11
Understanding
what is the meaning of sex for you.


00:03:59:11 - 00:04:02:19
It can help you to relax
and be more comfortable.


00:04:02:19 - 00:04:05:15
Have a better relationship
with sexuality.


00:04:05:15 - 00:04:10:10
Because many people, like their understanding of sex
is what they see in porn.


00:04:10:10 - 00:04:11:01
Yes.


00:04:11:01 - 00:04:14:13
Nothing wrong with porn,
but that's not like everyday sex.


00:04:14:13 - 00:04:18:03
No not realistic. Yeah, to know what,


00:04:18:04 - 00:04:20:21
what is it about sex
that makes it important for you?


00:04:20:21 - 00:04:21:22
Exactly.


00:04:21:22 - 00:04:24:11
And let's expand on porn.


00:04:24:11 - 00:04:27:16
I mean, do you, in your practices,


00:04:28:13 - 00:04:32:19
help people say with porn addiction
or really discerning


00:04:32:19 - 00:04:38:04
the difference between,
you know, porn sex and real sex?


00:04:38:04 - 00:04:43:11
Because I think a lot of people, especially men, get very confused in that arena.


00:04:43:11 - 00:04:44:04
Yes.


00:04:45:02 - 00:04:46:09
Yeah.


00:04:46:09 - 00:04:49:13
And one thing I like to emphasize
with the people I work with, too,


00:04:49:13 - 00:04:51:02
is whether we like it or not.


00:04:51:02 - 00:04:54:01
And I emphasize this to parents a lot too.


00:04:54:01 - 00:04:57:08
Pornography is educational
whether we like it or not.


00:04:57:21 - 00:05:01:11
So be very mindful of the education
you're receiving.


00:05:01:15 - 00:05:02:08
Yes.


00:05:02:08 - 00:05:04:09
For that because it is it.


00:05:04:09 - 00:05:08:09
I've worked with so many LGBTQ individuals
who tell me


00:05:08:09 - 00:05:13:06
that inadvertently porn was educational
and they were just trying to mimic


00:05:13:06 - 00:05:14:12
what they saw on their screen


00:05:14:12 - 00:05:18:11
or their device and so forth, which
that can form its own addiction device.


00:05:18:11 - 00:05:19:23
It's on itself, can be addicting.


00:05:19:23 - 00:05:20:21
Yes. For that.


00:05:20:21 - 00:05:22:20
So, a person doesn't


00:05:22:20 - 00:05:26:15
even have to meet the diagnostic criteria
for a porn addiction for that.


00:05:26:22 - 00:05:31:16
But I've heard that so often,
especially with LGBTQ men in particular.


00:05:31:16 - 00:05:32:09
So not L’s.


00:05:32:09 - 00:05:38:13
So GBTQ individuals
that I've heard a lot of queer, masc presenting people


00:05:38:13 - 00:05:40:09
wonder, am I a sex addict?


00:05:40:09 - 00:05:42:19
I'm thinking about sex so much.


00:05:42:19 - 00:05:44:08
Culture tells me it's taboo.


00:05:44:08 - 00:05:46:06
Society tells me it's taboo.


00:05:46:06 - 00:05:49:06
So I think just dumping the pot,


00:05:49:06 - 00:05:51:08
everything into the pot on that
and exploring that.


00:05:51:08 - 00:05:54:05
Yes, that's something that definitely
needs to be explored with clients.


00:05:54:05 - 00:05:55:11
Absolutely.


00:05:55:11 - 00:05:59:05
And I think porn, certain areas of porn,


00:05:59:14 - 00:06:04:08
lend themselves more to like violence,
especially violence against women.


00:06:04:17 - 00:06:07:17
How do you help people maybe


00:06:07:20 - 00:06:10:09
reformulate their view


00:06:10:09 - 00:06:13:12
of sex to be less violent?


00:06:14:21 - 00:06:15:11
I talk


00:06:15:11 - 00:06:18:18
about this concept of erotic blueprint
with my client.


00:06:18:18 - 00:06:21:19
Erotic blueprint
is, like, unique for each person.


00:06:22:00 - 00:06:24:11
All the memories, things, emotion


00:06:24:11 - 00:06:28:10
that makes something sexy for you
is part of your erotic blueprint.


00:06:28:14 - 00:06:31:16
Unfortunately, many people,


00:06:31:23 - 00:06:35:05
their early memories of sex
is around porn.


00:06:35:09 - 00:06:38:01
What they watched in porn.
And I'm not against porn.


00:06:38:01 - 00:06:41:06
But it's not sex education. As Doctor E mention,


00:06:41:11 - 00:06:43:12
It's it's what's available, right?


00:06:43:12 - 00:06:46:05
That's how people learn about sex.


00:06:46:05 - 00:06:50:20
But that can kind of really, form
and create rigidity


00:06:51:02 - 00:06:53:15
around our sexual fantasies.


00:06:53:15 - 00:06:57:11
So what, invite people to do
is think about it as,


00:06:58:12 - 00:07:01:23
entertainment, the same way
that you're watching this rom com movies.


00:07:01:23 - 00:07:05:16
So this is fun, but I don't know,
relationship if I'm rom com movie,


00:07:05:16 - 00:07:11:03
I don't, expect my partner
to, ride a horse for miles and miles.


00:07:11:11 - 00:07:12:07
What?


00:07:12:07 - 00:07:14:11
I do, I expect mine.


00:07:14:11 - 00:07:15:16
He needs to ride a horse.


00:07:15:16 - 00:07:18:16
(laughter)


00:07:18:16 - 00:07:19:19
I love it.


00:07:19:19 - 00:07:21:00
It's a preference.


00:07:21:00 - 00:07:22:19
That was, like, in my profile.


00:07:22:19 - 00:07:23:23
Must ride horse.


00:07:23:23 - 00:07:25:06
For miles.


00:07:25:06 - 00:07:28:06
A white horse and come save me. Yes.


00:07:28:22 - 00:07:31:05
we can role play Bridgerton.


00:07:31:05 - 00:07:33:10
(laughter)


00:07:33:10 - 00:07:35:07
As long as we get the costumes. Right.


00:07:36:05 - 00:07:37:12
But in reality.


00:07:37:12 - 00:07:38:11
Right? Like what


00:07:38:11 - 00:07:41:03
we think it's maintenance sex.


00:07:41:03 - 00:07:43:12
Every day, sex, sex, that’s not 
what we see in porn.


00:07:43:12 - 00:07:49:08
So kind of understanding it, recognizing
it is helpful and also increasing,


00:07:49:19 - 00:07:53:08
fantasies in our erotic blueprint.


00:07:53:08 - 00:07:53:15
Right.


00:07:53:15 - 00:07:56:10
I have so many clients,
they develop this rigidity.


00:07:56:10 - 00:07:59:09
I only climax to this part of the porn.


00:07:59:09 - 00:08:03:04
And if the porn is not on,
then I'm not able to climax.


00:08:03:04 - 00:08:03:13
Right?


00:08:03:13 - 00:08:07:10
I'm thinking about maybe close your eyes,
think about your fantasies,


00:08:07:10 - 00:08:11:01
or maybe co-create
something with your partner in the room.


00:08:11:01 - 00:08:15:20
So I think these are all the ways
that can help us to embrace our eroticism


00:08:16:02 - 00:08:19:14
without getting fixated on, on porn.


00:08:19:20 - 00:08:21:18
Yes, absolutely.


00:08:21:18 - 00:08:24:17
All right, well, we're going to pivot away
from porn for a second.


00:08:24:17 - 00:08:28:08
And you, in the last half,
we're talking about


00:08:28:08 - 00:08:31:14
how you get someone to the curated date.


00:08:32:00 - 00:08:35:00
They go on the quiz,
they take the quiz, they attend


00:08:35:00 - 00:08:38:11
the workshop,
they get help with communication skills.


00:08:38:18 - 00:08:41:18
Then you curate the match.


00:08:42:04 - 00:08:47:05
Let's walk through
what a curated first date looks like.


00:08:47:10 - 00:08:49:21
What? What do they do? Where do they go?


00:08:51:04 - 00:08:51:22
Tell me.


00:08:51:22 - 00:08:56:12
So our sweet spot is about 8
to 12 minutes of the date itself.


00:08:56:12 - 00:09:01:14
So it's in a sense
like speed dating, but better, but augmented.


00:09:02:02 - 00:09:04:23
And so there we are also provide


00:09:04:23 - 00:09:08:14
a little prompt cards,
not like Cards Against Humanity style.


00:09:08:16 - 00:09:09:19
Oh, but that's fun.


00:09:09:19 - 00:09:11:21
We have cards and they're tiered.


00:09:11:21 - 00:09:13:05
There's surface level.


00:09:13:05 - 00:09:17:03
Like what's a good movie
you saw to mid range of you know,


00:09:17:04 - 00:09:23:00
what are your thoughts on children to 
deeper level greater level of depth


00:09:23:00 - 00:09:27:06
such as like hey 
how much do you value sex in relationship


00:09:27:06 - 00:09:30:12
and how much sex would you imagine
having in a healthy relationship?


00:09:31:01 - 00:09:35:05
So they're merely suggestions, but
they're prompts that are going to be there


00:09:35:05 - 00:09:38:10
to help guide you, especially if,
you know, nerves are taken over.


00:09:38:13 - 00:09:39:18
You just don't know what to say.


00:09:39:18 - 00:09:41:17
Even though we gave you an hour
long masterclass


00:09:41:17 - 00:09:44:17
beforehand because, you know, we're
all humans, we're fallible creatures.


00:09:45:00 - 00:09:48:10
So, we curate the space 8 to 12 minutes,


00:09:48:10 - 00:09:51:07
but we have it set for the
for the rest of the evening.


00:09:51:07 - 00:09:53:11
So if they're all eight minutes,
they're all eight minutes.


00:09:53:11 - 00:09:57:09
And do you do like,
is it you go from person to person


00:09:57:22 - 00:10:01:14
or is it just one curated
date at this event?


00:10:01:17 - 00:10:02:14
Oh good question.


00:10:02:14 - 00:10:03:17
So it's multiple.


00:10:03:17 - 00:10:05:08
We want to give you multiple options.


00:10:05:08 - 00:10:08:05
We want to give you 
we want to name the fact that, you know,


00:10:08:05 - 00:10:09:08
this is what dating is like.


00:10:09:08 - 00:10:10:21
You may have conversations


00:10:10:21 - 00:10:13:21
or intimate moments with multiple people
during a period of time.


00:10:14:00 - 00:10:19:03
So we put you with the people 8 to
12 minutes pretty standard when we do it.


00:10:19:14 - 00:10:23:07
We have the prompts from surface
level, mid level


00:10:23:07 - 00:10:27:02
to deep, deeper conversations
that you can use as a mere suggestion.


00:10:27:11 - 00:10:31:09
And then those 12 minutes are up
and we match you with your next one,


00:10:31:09 - 00:10:33:14
which you're told beforehand


00:10:33:14 - 00:10:36:19
of, of the people you're going to meet
with based off your preferences.


00:10:36:23 - 00:10:40:19
Interesting and cool
that you have prompts about sex.


00:10:40:19 - 00:10:44:18
I can imagine that
that's probably one of the last things


00:10:44:18 - 00:10:49:14
that people talk about on a first date,
but really important information.


00:10:50:00 - 00:10:53:16
And maybe they're going
to really understand


00:10:53:16 - 00:10:59:07
that person better
before sex actually happens and then be,


00:10:59:07 - 00:11:03:17
you know, more compatible in that way,
especially if they talk about it first.


00:11:04:00 - 00:11:05:08
Most people don't.


00:11:05:22 - 00:11:07:15
Just saying. All right.


00:11:07:15 - 00:11:09:18
It's part of the material
that we do explore


00:11:09:18 - 00:11:12:09
with them with the online
quiz initially as well. Yes.


00:11:12:09 - 00:11:14:00
So important.


00:11:14:00 - 00:11:17:10
So how can people use self-discovery
and personal growth


00:11:17:10 - 00:11:21:03
as tools to attract healthier
relationships.


00:11:21:15 - 00:11:23:11
In the reality,


00:11:23:11 - 00:11:27:10
unless we understanding ourselves,
unless we see well, with some of the


00:11:27:10 - 00:11:32:02
blind side that I saw I had in past,
we're going to repeat the same pattern.


00:11:32:05 - 00:11:33:23
We're going to show up the same person.


00:11:33:23 - 00:11:36:03
We're reliving the same story.


00:11:36:03 - 00:11:39:08
But if we learn about, for example,
our attachment style,


00:11:39:15 - 00:11:43:00
when I feel this way, it's
not about my partner ignoring me,


00:11:43:04 - 00:11:46:02
but when I don't hear from them,
I start panicking.


00:11:46:02 - 00:11:50:00
And I do all these kind of things
that texting that pushes them away.


00:11:50:08 - 00:11:55:22
I understanding those, 
pattern for yourself can be very powerful.


00:11:55:23 - 00:11:57:19
And I think with self-awareness


00:11:57:19 - 00:12:02:19
comes this understanding of developing
a coping box coping strategy.


00:12:02:19 - 00:12:06:01
You know, like I'm going to curate
a community of people,


00:12:06:01 - 00:12:09:01
maybe that they can contact
when I feel anxious, or


00:12:09:01 - 00:12:12:06
maybe I learn ways
that I can regulate that discomfort.


00:12:12:13 - 00:12:15:23
All of these things can help me
to appear more grounded,


00:12:16:09 - 00:12:19:05
especially most of the people we work
with.


00:12:19:05 - 00:12:21:17
They're looking for partnership, right.


00:12:21:17 - 00:12:24:17
And in order for you to be able
to get attracted to someone,


00:12:25:00 - 00:12:29:01
it's important to show vulnerability,
but also you want to show as someone


00:12:29:01 - 00:12:34:05
that stable and grounded
that all of those, tools that you develop


00:12:34:06 - 00:12:38:09
during their journey of self-discovery
can help you to show up


00:12:38:21 - 00:12:40:07
as a better version of yourself.


00:12:40:07 - 00:12:42:09
I love that. What do you think?


00:12:43:16 - 00:12:44:19
Which part?


00:12:44:19 - 00:12:50:05
Well, what what, self-discovery
do you think is essential


00:12:50:12 - 00:12:54:08
in terms of attracting
the healthy relationship that you want?


00:12:54:17 - 00:12:59:20
I think first, identifying what the heck
a healthy relationship is for that person.


00:13:00:07 - 00:13:04:13
I think that's often where I hear
a lot of the beginning of the end


00:13:04:13 - 00:13:09:14
in relationships, especially with
the people we work with, that there's been


00:13:09:14 - 00:13:12:20
a miscommunication that could have been
cleared up from the very beginning.


00:13:13:10 - 00:13:18:07
So I think the way that we set things
up, people are like with what Doctor


00:13:18:07 - 00:13:21:17
M was alluding to, people are serious
when they come to our events.


00:13:22:08 - 00:13:24:11
If they want just a casual encounter.


00:13:24:11 - 00:13:25:16
Yeah, there's apps for that.


00:13:25:16 - 00:13:28:06
You can find that in the comfort
of the palm of your hand. Right?


00:13:28:06 - 00:13:29:12
You really want to.


00:13:29:12 - 00:13:31:18
So truly asking yourself,


00:13:31:18 - 00:13:35:09
do I want to show up to a event where
I'm going to be expected to be authentic?


00:13:35:14 - 00:13:38:09
I may be challenged a bit,
and I may be expected


00:13:38:09 - 00:13:40:18
to try something different
than I have before.


00:13:40:18 - 00:13:44:21
So initially, do I genuinely want to find
meaningful companionship?


00:13:45:00 - 00:13:47:19
Yeah, that's usually answered
when a person clicks


00:13:47:19 - 00:13:50:06
yes to actually attend for that.


00:13:50:06 - 00:13:54:04
So that's that's one of our biggest
hurdles that we want people to get over.


00:13:54:06 - 00:13:58:01
And that's kind of cross walking
that to our work as psychotherapists.


00:13:58:10 - 00:14:00:21
That's the hardest step for our clients
too, often.


00:14:01:15 - 00:14:04:03
It's that initial contact.


00:14:04:03 - 00:14:06:11
Maybe it's just setting up
the initial conversation,


00:14:06:11 - 00:14:09:10
that initial consultation
or to that email, but it's that initial


00:14:09:10 - 00:14:14:11
conscious choice
that, be that self-awareness of,


00:14:14:12 - 00:14:16:03
well, I actually want to try something


00:14:16:03 - 00:14:19:04
meaningful,
and I'm actually going to physically move


00:14:19:04 - 00:14:22:17
my body to a place where other people
are going to do the same thing.


00:14:23:09 - 00:14:24:09
That's that first step.


00:14:24:09 - 00:14:27:15
So that's again tying
it back to the beginning of the end.


00:14:27:20 - 00:14:31:15
If people genuinely knew from the get go
that I want something serious


00:14:31:15 - 00:14:34:23
and that other party wants something
serious, I think we'd have


00:14:35:06 - 00:14:38:11
a much, much more,
agreeable divorce rate.


00:14:38:17 - 00:14:39:17
So. Absolutely.


00:14:39:17 - 00:14:44:05
And do you think that knowing that
in the beginning that screens out


00:14:44:05 - 00:14:47:08
the people
who are just looking for the hookup,


00:14:47:08 - 00:14:50:20
or do you think people
will try to get in there and still have,


00:14:51:12 - 00:14:53:18
you know, hopes for the hookup?


00:14:54:17 - 00:14:57:10
I mean, bless their heart,
if they're kind of go through all of this


00:14:57:10 - 00:15:00:12
of going through,
you know, our online matchmaking


00:15:00:12 - 00:15:03:20
quiz, signing up for the actual event
and actually showing up.


00:15:03:20 - 00:15:07:05
I mean, if they're just doing that
for hookups, well, gosh.


00:15:08:09 - 00:15:10:12
That's a lot, right? It's a lot of effort.


00:15:10:12 - 00:15:14:07
So yes, the intention is that
this is all a process


00:15:14:07 - 00:15:17:15
to really find out who genuinely wants
to try something different.


00:15:17:17 - 00:15:18:00
Yeah.


00:15:18:00 - 00:15:21:04
So yes, that is our intention
that the process drawn out,


00:15:21:05 - 00:15:23:11
much like working with clients,
you know, there's a difference


00:15:23:11 - 00:15:25:22
between a client calling
in wanting to work with you


00:15:25:22 - 00:15:28:12
when you have availability
that same afternoon


00:15:28:12 - 00:15:31:20
versus getting to know them
doing that initial screening,


00:15:31:20 - 00:15:34:10
see if they genuinely want
to make a change in their life.


00:15:34:10 - 00:15:37:19
So yeah, we drag it out a little bit
to make sure they're serious.


00:15:37:19 - 00:15:38:13
Right.


00:15:38:20 - 00:15:43:19
how can individuals set
realistic expectations while navigating


00:15:43:19 - 00:15:48:20
modern dating and manage
any resulting disappointment?


00:15:49:13 - 00:15:54:15
The first step is for people
to kind of focus on themselves, right?


00:15:54:15 - 00:15:58:17
If you're saying that, oh, I want to be
married in six, six months, right?


00:15:58:23 - 00:15:59:17
That's something that


00:15:59:17 - 00:16:04:02
hopefully it can happen for you,
but it's not 100% within your control.


00:16:04:13 - 00:16:08:00
But if you want to say that
I'm going on dates, then the dates


00:16:08:00 - 00:16:13:20
I'm going, I'm showing up as grounded
present, with clear communication.


00:16:13:20 - 00:16:16:14
That is something that you have,
control over.


00:16:16:14 - 00:16:20:17
So I tell people to focus on their goals
that they can set for themselves,


00:16:20:18 - 00:16:22:14
they have power over it.


00:16:22:14 - 00:16:25:12
And the other invitation I have for people


00:16:25:12 - 00:16:29:11
is to examine, your progress,
I would say every six months.


00:16:29:11 - 00:16:32:05
Sometimes
when we are working on ourselves,


00:16:33:05 - 00:16:33:22
we are not


00:16:33:22 - 00:16:37:16
necessarily, objectively
looking at the process that we have


00:16:38:00 - 00:16:41:00
if we're using online dating
or on this platform,


00:16:41:00 - 00:16:44:16
really showing up as ourself
six months later, nothing happens.


00:16:45:01 - 00:16:49:03
Maybe you've done your part, but then
we need to change the strategy, right?


00:16:49:03 - 00:16:53:01
You need to focus on, going on
matchmaking event.


00:16:53:01 - 00:16:54:17
Or asking friend to set you up.


00:16:54:17 - 00:16:57:02
So looking at changing something


00:16:57:02 - 00:17:00:15
as far as a context of where
you meet people, because that's when I see


00:17:00:15 - 00:17:05:03
where I see people get stuck.
The other component is disappointment.


00:17:05:03 - 00:17:07:09
It's a natural part of dating.


00:17:07:09 - 00:17:10:06
You're going on these, human


00:17:10:06 - 00:17:14:13
to human connection spaces,
and you might feel rejected.


00:17:14:13 - 00:17:15:11
And that's painful.


00:17:15:11 - 00:17:19:05
So one important skill is practicing
self-compassion


00:17:19:12 - 00:17:22:22
really tuning into the emotion
that shows up


00:17:23:07 - 00:17:26:13
and bringing kindness to it,
because it's really important


00:17:26:13 - 00:17:29:16
for you to have your own back,
because this is a tough journey.


00:17:29:18 - 00:17:31:11
Yes, I can imagine,


00:17:31:11 - 00:17:35:04
and you work
with people who struggle with body image.


00:17:35:18 - 00:17:40:06
How do you help them
become more self-confident on a date?


00:17:41:22 - 00:17:43:05
If you're focused


00:17:43:05 - 00:17:48:05
on how do we look at our presentation
that can turn to this,


00:17:49:06 - 00:17:53:20
perfectionistic, kind of like obsession
in a way, because unfortunately,


00:17:53:20 - 00:17:56:22
we live in a society that,


00:17:56:22 - 00:18:00:02
we are
constantly bombarded with this message


00:18:00:02 - 00:18:01:08
you're not good enough.


00:18:01:08 - 00:18:06:01
So I tell people to engage in things
that makes you feel good about yourself.


00:18:06:04 - 00:18:10:17
Yes. I give this tips at times to people
that maybe dance before going on a date,


00:18:10:17 - 00:18:14:21
or if biking or yoga
is something that you like, do that.


00:18:14:21 - 00:18:19:12
So you're bringing that positive energy
to the day and the voices will show up.


00:18:19:12 - 00:18:22:03
This idea,
oh, my partner's not looking at me.


00:18:22:03 - 00:18:24:08
Are they attracted to me?


00:18:24:08 - 00:18:29:04
All of that and kind of like practice on
bringing back, yourself in the moment,


00:18:29:09 - 00:18:33:07
practicing mindfulness, being present
and kind of anchoring yourself


00:18:33:07 - 00:18:37:01
in the moment, is something
that I recommend to people to do.


00:18:37:01 - 00:18:38:14
And it's easier said than done, but


00:18:38:14 - 00:18:42:11
but with enough practice
is something that people can cultivate.


00:18:42:17 - 00:18:43:06
Absolutely.


00:18:43:06 - 00:18:47:11
And I think people do get hung up,
like I have some clients that are like,


00:18:47:11 - 00:18:53:12
I can't or won't date
unless I lose weight or unless I do this.


00:18:53:21 - 00:18:59:05
And I really try to emphasize
that we are all works in progress.


00:18:59:10 - 00:19:04:11
No one is at their perfection level
and there is somebody for everyone.


00:19:04:22 - 00:19:09:20
How do you get them over that if they are
so concerned about the external?


00:19:10:09 - 00:19:13:22
What are some tips
that you, you know, would impart on them?


00:19:15:02 - 00:19:15:14
I think


00:19:15:14 - 00:19:18:22
following my theme of dialectical behavior
therapy and DBT,


00:19:19:16 - 00:19:24:04
helping a person develop more distress
intolerant or distress tolerance. Yes.


00:19:24:09 - 00:19:28:05
Tolerating negative emotions,
including rejection. Yes.


00:19:28:05 - 00:19:32:04
And also rejection sensitivity
is also part of the work with DBT.


00:19:33:13 - 00:19:34:11
Just a sidebar.


00:19:34:11 - 00:19:35:23
Again, I emphasize DBT


00:19:35:23 - 00:19:39:07
because it was designed
specifically for a trauma response.


00:19:39:07 - 00:19:42:11
And no, I am not saying
all people that I work with or


00:19:42:11 - 00:19:45:20
all LGBTQ plus individuals have borderline
personality.


00:19:45:23 - 00:19:48:04
Sometimes they do and that's okay.


00:19:48:04 - 00:19:51:16
But a lot of people have suffered trauma
in various forms.


00:19:51:19 - 00:19:55:06
So that's why just distress tolerance


00:19:55:06 - 00:19:58:15
and being able to tolerate negative
emotions and rejection is so important.


00:19:59:12 - 00:20:02:10
Oddly enough, no, I'm not saying
if you come to our events, you're going to


00:20:02:10 - 00:20:03:23
get rejected. But


00:20:05:06 - 00:20:07:04
we're not masters of the universe. Right.


00:20:07:04 - 00:20:12:07
We may set people up that sounded on paper
or on our online quiz like a match.


00:20:12:07 - 00:20:14:07
And it turns out, in reality,
maybe they weren't.


00:20:14:07 - 00:20:18:10
That's actually a beautiful opportunity
to sit with, you know, a date


00:20:18:10 - 00:20:19:23
that just didn't work out.


00:20:19:23 - 00:20:21:11
Not calling it a bad date.


00:20:21:11 - 00:20:23:04
But you had high hopes.


00:20:23:04 - 00:20:26:16
Both parties probably had good intentions
and it just didn't work out.


00:20:26:19 - 00:20:32:06
Can you sit with this for 8 to 12 minutes
and know that you're still a good human?


00:20:32:06 - 00:20:36:08
The other party is still a good human
and it just wasn't a good fit.


00:20:36:18 - 00:20:37:21
Those are those little moments


00:20:37:21 - 00:20:40:16
that inoculate us
to the bigger rejections in life,


00:20:40:16 - 00:20:41:23
because they're going to happen
to all of us.


00:20:41:23 - 00:20:44:05
Yeah, yeah, it's true.


00:20:44:05 - 00:20:47:21
Well, we're going to open up
for some questions from our audience.


00:20:47:21 - 00:20:51:19
But before we do that,
tell people how they can work with you


00:20:51:19 - 00:20:56:07
individually as therapists
and how do they come to you for LA Love Lab?


00:20:58:05 - 00:21:01:00
They can find my information at Oasis To Care dot com.


00:21:01:00 - 00:21:05:03
My practice is in LA,
and I do online and in-person therapy.


00:21:06:00 - 00:21:08:21
And for our event,
if people are interested,


00:21:08:21 - 00:21:11:18
they can go to LA Love Lab dot com.


00:21:11:18 - 00:21:14:12
They can download our gift for free.


00:21:14:12 - 00:21:17:03
So they can show up
as best version of themselves.


00:21:17:03 - 00:21:20:18
And if first, first experiences,
first encounters and dates


00:21:21:04 - 00:21:25:20
and they can find out that, information
about, upcoming event in February there.


00:21:26:01 - 00:21:26:17
Okay.


00:21:26:17 - 00:21:29:22
Upcoming event in February. And for you.


00:21:30:01 - 00:21:34:01
And we want to emphasize all orientations,
all genders are welcome.


00:21:34:01 - 00:21:36:23
This is an inclusive space.
We're only going to match you


00:21:36:23 - 00:21:39:19
with the people
you say you want to be matched with.


00:21:39:19 - 00:21:43:04
It's a beautiful opportunity
to learn to just be around things


00:21:43:04 - 00:21:46:03
that you just aren't
usually surrounded by in life.


00:21:46:14 - 00:21:48:22
If people want to follow me
on my professional journey,


00:21:48:22 - 00:21:50:23
they can go to my website as well.


00:21:50:23 - 00:21:53:12
Doctor Richard Espinoza dot com. Dr..


00:21:53:12 - 00:21:55:16
Not the full word, doctor. So Dr..


00:21:55:16 - 00:21:58:12
Richard Espinoza dot com
and follow my journey.


00:21:58:12 - 00:21:59:22
Wonderful.


00:21:59:22 - 00:22:04:17
So we would love to open it up
for some questions from the audience. Yes.


00:22:04:17 - 00:22:07:07
Come on down to the microphone.


00:22:07:07 - 00:22:08:13
Hello. Hello. Is this on?


00:22:08:13 - 00:22:09:18
It is.


00:22:09:18 - 00:22:10:14
Hi, my name is Hector.


00:22:10:14 - 00:22:13:18
I think, 
I have a question actually, two, but,


00:22:14:23 - 00:22:15:22
I just want to make a comment.


00:22:15:22 - 00:22:16:22
It's so cool that you


00:22:16:22 - 00:22:20:23
both are from different backgrounds,
and the dynamic was so cool.


00:22:20:23 - 00:22:24:15
So I can see how the universe said
it was destined for LA 


00:22:25:06 - 00:22:27:19
Love Lab.


00:22:27:19 - 00:22:29:00
I, my name is Hector,


00:22:29:00 - 00:22:31:07
I hapen to be single for five years.


00:22:31:07 - 00:22:33:23
So my one question is,


00:22:33:23 - 00:22:36:21
like,
I always think I'm not ready to date.


00:22:36:21 - 00:22:39:12
Is there a time frame date?


00:22:39:12 - 00:22:42:09
Like, I don't know, the research
or psychologists say


00:22:42:09 - 00:22:45:09
that, like, oh,
I should wait x amount of years


00:22:45:09 - 00:22:48:06
after my break
up, like it's been five years for me.


00:22:48:06 - 00:22:50:19
So, would you say I'm ready yet?


00:22:50:19 - 00:22:51:08
I'm not ready.


00:22:51:08 - 00:22:53:04
I don't know my number two.


00:22:53:04 - 00:22:55:17
My next question is,
when's the next event?


00:22:55:17 - 00:22:57:06
If you say I'm ready, then I'll go.


00:22:57:06 - 00:22:58:10
(laughter)


00:22:58:10 - 00:23:00:19
Yea, yea. Excellent.


00:23:00:19 - 00:23:02:21
So, I'll start off with that one.


00:23:02:21 - 00:23:07:08
So I think we've all heard the,
no one knows where it came from, but,


00:23:07:08 - 00:23:12:14
the, the algorithm that half the time
you spent in the relationship.


00:23:12:14 - 00:23:14:18
So let's say
you spent a year in a relationship.


00:23:14:18 - 00:23:17:18
It should take
you six months to get over it.


00:23:17:20 - 00:23:20:18
I have yet to find any research
that back that up.


00:23:20:18 - 00:23:23:06
So you're fine. You're exonerated.


00:23:23:06 - 00:23:24:02
(laughter)


00:23:24:02 - 00:23:27:02
If you feel ready to date, go get ‘em.


00:23:27:21 - 00:23:29:10
All I know from the research


00:23:29:10 - 00:23:34:22
is that maybe within three months,
the pain, the initial pain


00:23:34:22 - 00:23:37:22
of a dissolve relationship
does start to subside naturally.


00:23:38:05 - 00:23:39:09
And it can be quick.


00:23:39:09 - 00:23:43:21
And if a person does enter a relationship
in that three month window, but,


00:23:44:00 - 00:23:46:00
you know, implore that with caution
and talk about that


00:23:46:00 - 00:23:48:04
with a trusted loved one
or your therapist.


00:23:48:04 - 00:23:51:19
But again, if you feel good to date,
there's no magical algorithm


00:23:51:19 - 00:23:52:10
you have to follow.


00:23:52:10 - 00:23:55:09
If you feel good,
we welcome you at our next event.


00:23:55:09 - 00:23:56:09
All right. Yes.


00:23:56:09 - 00:23:57:16
February.


00:23:57:16 - 00:24:00:16
February. Right on. I'll be there then.


00:24:01:00 - 00:24:02:04
Day after Valentine's Day.


00:24:03:03 - 00:24:04:12
Oh that's great.


00:24:04:12 - 00:24:05:23
Or is it yor website?


00:24:05:23 - 00:24:06:19
It's a website.


00:24:06:19 - 00:24:08:04
Okay. What was it again.


00:24:08:04 - 00:24:10:19
LA Love Lab. LA Love Lab.


00:24:10:19 - 00:24:12:22
Dot com. Okay cool, thank you. Great.


00:24:12:22 - 00:24:16:04
When you sign up
you'll be given the Your Love Hub account.


00:24:16:04 - 00:24:20:05
And that'll provide you direct contact
information to Doctor M and myself.


00:24:20:19 - 00:24:23:04
Beautiful, thank you. Wonderful.


00:24:23:04 - 00:24:25:09
We're hoping for love for you, Hector.


00:24:25:09 - 00:24:27:03
(laughter)


00:24:27:03 - 00:24:27:23
Yeah, me too.


00:24:27:23 - 00:24:29:22
(laughter)


00:24:29:22 - 00:24:30:18
Okay.


00:24:30:18 - 00:24:32:04
Another question?


00:24:33:21 - 00:24:35:16
Yes. You.


00:24:35:16 - 00:24:36:13
No questions.


00:24:36:13 - 00:24:37:14
No questions.


00:24:37:14 - 00:24:38:21
(laughter)


00:24:38:21 - 00:24:39:13
I tried.


00:24:39:20 - 00:24:44:08
All right, well, we are out of time
then for this half of this podcast.


00:24:44:08 - 00:24:46:00
You two are amazing.


00:24:46:00 - 00:24:49:01
I'm so excited about this program.


00:24:49:03 - 00:24:52:03
I think it's going to be transformative
for people.


00:24:52:03 - 00:24:55:01
I really think that, we've needed


00:24:55:01 - 00:24:57:20
psychologists involved in matchmaking.


00:24:57:20 - 00:25:01:01
We have not had that,
I don't know of any.


00:25:01:01 - 00:25:04:01
Do you know of any other program
that's like that?


00:25:04:11 - 00:25:05:13
No, that's where we're here.


00:25:05:13 - 00:25:09:08
Oh, you guys are unique and amazing
and we're so lucky.


00:25:09:14 - 00:25:13:16
So thank you all for joining us
for the ANEW Body Insight podcast.


00:25:13:22 - 00:25:17:07
We hope you join us
for the next exciting episode.


00:25:17:13 - 00:25:20:18
And we really hope that you join LA Love Lab.


00:25:20:18 - 00:25:22:23
If you are looking for love.


00:25:22:23 - 00:25:25:03
Thank you everybody for joining us.


00:25:25:03 - 00:25:26:23
(clapping)


00:25:28:06 - 00:25:31:17
Thanks for tuning into the ANEW Body Insight podcast.


00:25:31:17 - 00:25:35:05
Please remember, the content shared on this podcast is for entertainment


00:25:35:05 - 00:25:38:06
purposes only and does not constitute medical advice.


00:25:38:15 - 00:25:39:18
You can find us anywhere


00:25:39:18 - 00:25:43:18
podcasts are streaming on YouTube @my.anew.insight


00:25:44:00 - 00:25:48:05
and at anew-insight.com under the ANEWBody Insight podcast tab.


00:25:48:14 - 00:25:51:09
Follow us on our socials at @my.anew.insight


00:25:51:09 - 00:25:55:06
on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and Threads for more updates.


00:25:55:16 - 00:26:00:03
Tune in next time and evolve with us.